The lost heart poem by Abdul-hakim

THE LOST HEART

It’s as though, I’ve made it my life’s mission to destroy myself
My lord I’m sorry
I’m sorry that I have to always come back to you saying sorry
I’m sorry this is not my first time, and this surely wouldn’t be the last of it
I’m sorry that I’m aware, but still find myself guilty of it
I’m sorry I stood proud to tell the world of my evils, when you concealed it

I’m sorry I had the choice to say no, but with all the warnings and advice still said yes
Yes to the call to the Friday night paparazzi
Yes to the gaze of the half-naked Cosmo zombies
Yes to the intoxicants and all that it left me
Yes to the one night stand Barbies
Yes to all that my nafs drove me, just to give shaitan a moment to stand proud
Ya Allah, please forgive me for the ones in secret and the ones aloud

How can I be found?
I mean, I’m a black heart with a black robe in a dark room under a dark cloud
My heart turned numb, hard and headless
To all the warnings that you gave
Of that day ‘
That day that turns the hair of babies grey
Ya Allah, I’m afraid
Afraid I will not have the guts to stand before you on that day
With anything in my defence

Afraid you will call my name, and my heart will burst out of my chest’
Out of fear to see you, to come before your sovereignty
My hand will tear from my shoulders, out of fear of your majesty
My legs will break loose, without the strength to walk to you my Almighty
My eyes will pluck out of my face; surely my lord is not to blame’
For my iniquities. My lord forgive me

Does this not put any fear in me?
Does this not remind me of my duties?
Does this not tremble my heart to return to Him in purity?
Cos that’s what I know He wants from me
To come to Him, for His mercy
Cos that He told me, surpasses His fury

So with this in mind, I will hope
Cos that’s the single thing He assured me never to loose
No matter my sin’s enormity; Hope
Hope that in these nights that I sit to seek for His forgiveness, I may find it
Find it before the day of certainty

Hope that through His love, my heart may see purity
That my robes may be cleansed with ‘maai’, ‘salji’ and ‘baradi’
That my room may be lit with His beauty
And that the clouds may pour down from His rain of Mercy
Mercy; that I would need more

Ya Allah, please grant me mercy
And look at your mercy to grant me jannah; the home of tranquillity
For myself, my life and my actions are so not worthy
Of even a glimpse of its gates
So in the seeking of forgiveness I would stage my faith
Astagfirullahul azuim, Astagfirullah wa aatubu ilaihi.

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